The first date plays a significant role in setting the foundation for any relationship. It’s an opportunity to get to know each other better, not only through shared activities but also through casual conversation. Psychologists recommend doing something together on the first date so you can observe how someone behaves in various situations. But more than that, the way people talk, express their thoughts, and share their beliefs can tell you a lot about their emotional availability and what they are seeking in a relationship.

If your goal is a healthy relationship without emotional abuse, manipulation, or unnecessary drama, it’s crucial to be able to identify potential red flags early on. Pay attention to how your date speaks about their past relationships and their views on love and partnership. Sometimes, people who are incapable of loving themselves can also find it difficult to form healthy, fulfilling relationships. They may be seeking someone to compensate for their emotional shortcomings, subjugate, or save them. So, how can you tell if someone might be emotionally unavailable or potentially toxic? Let’s dive into the signs.

The Blame Game: A Person Who Cannot Love Themselves

Someone who struggles with emotional availability often has difficulty accepting responsibility for their own emotional shortcomings. They may be prone to blaming others for their relationship failures, as they refuse to acknowledge their own flaws. It’s easy to get stuck in a cycle of “bad luck” or thinking that you're the victim of unloving partners, but at some point, you’ll have to face the reality: either you are carrying the emotional weight of the relationship, or you’re accepting unhealthy behavior because of your own unresolved issues.

Take for instance a situation where a man is reaching out to a woman and is met with indifference, avoidance, or devaluation. It’s easy for him to point the finger and blame her for the failure of the relationship, but he may be overlooking the fact that he has unconsciously allowed this treatment to continue. Over time, he may feel that he’s tried to earn love and affection, not realizing that emotional availability and respect are mutual. If someone is constantly blaming their exes for their relationship failures, it's time to take a step back and assess their emotional intelligence and capacity for love.

Taking on Responsibilities That Aren’t Yours

There’s also the issue of people who take on the emotional burdens of their partners without recognizing where their own responsibilities end. This often happens when one person is cold, indifferent, or emotionally distant, while the other partner tries to compensate for the lack of emotional engagement by “fixing” them. This leads to co-dependent behavior where one person constantly gives and gives, trying to “save” the other from their own emotional issues. The more you try to take on your partner’s emotional problems, the more you risk losing yourself in the process.

If you find that your partner is always blaming their past relationship for their current problems, it’s a major red flag. Healthy relationships require both partners to take responsibility for their emotional well-being. If your date continually talks about their past in a negative light, claiming that everything went wrong because of their exes, be cautious. This could be a sign that they’re not willing to take responsibility for their own actions, and it could signal future emotional neglect.

The “I Don’t Owe Anyone Anything” Attitude: A Misunderstanding of Relationships

One of the most telling phrases you’ll hear from someone who struggles with emotional availability is, “I don’t owe anyone anything.” This statement reflects a distorted view of what relationships entail. Relationships are built on mutual responsibility and care, and no one enters a healthy partnership expecting to get by without contributing in some way. If someone expresses that they owe nothing to anyone, it could mean that they lack the emotional maturity to understand what it takes to form a meaningful, balanced relationship.

In healthy relationships, both individuals take responsibility for their actions, whether they’ve agreed to help with something or provide emotional support. But when someone says “I don’t owe anyone anything,” they’re often distancing themselves from the idea of compromise or emotional reciprocity. This mindset can quickly lead to unhealthy dynamics, where one person expects their partner to fulfill all their needs without offering anything in return.

Playing Hard to Get: The Power of Ego and Emotional Games

Some people get caught up in the thrill of the chase and love the feeling of being pursued. This can often be a sign of someone who is emotionally unavailable, but it may also point to narcissistic tendencies. A partner who enjoys having others “chase” them or do everything they can to “win” them over might be using these tactics as a way to inflate their ego and feed their need for validation. This is a form of emotional manipulation that plays into the concept of power and control in relationships.

If someone prides themselves on rejecting their suitors, often bragging about their “unavailability” or how many people have tried and failed to win them over, it's time to reconsider. This behavior is often rooted in low self-esteem and a need to feel superior. The idea of rejecting others or being the “heartbreaker” feeds into their fragile self-worth and can lead to unhealthy relationship dynamics. Someone who is genuinely looking for love will not treat others like a game or use them as a source of ego validation.

The Narcissistic Attitude: Devaluing and Dismissing Exes

Another common sign of emotional unavailability is when a person consistently talks down about their exes or belittles their past relationships. This behavior is often a reflection of narcissism, where the individual feels the need to establish their own superiority by putting others down. If someone is constantly putting their ex-partners down, saying things like, “They were dumb,” or “I’m so much better than them,” it’s a red flag.

This kind of attitude points to deep-rooted insecurity and a need to maintain control in relationships. A narcissistic person will always want to be in the dominant position and will do whatever it takes to ensure that others feel inferior. If you find yourself with someone who constantly devalues their exes, beware—it’s only a matter of time before they turn their critical gaze onto you.

The Need for Validation: Self-Worth Through External Approval

People who are emotionally unavailable often tie their self-worth to external validation. This can be seen in the way they respond to compliments or praise. If they only feel good about themselves when others praise them or when they’re given external approval, they may be relying on others to validate their existence. This need for validation can be emotionally exhausting, and it often leads to codependent relationships where one partner constantly seeks approval while the other becomes the source of validation.

Conclusion: Trust Your Instincts on the First Date

The first date is a critical moment to assess whether you’re compatible with someone and if they’re emotionally available. If you hear phrases that trigger warning signs—such as "I don’t owe anyone anything," or if they constantly blame others for their failed relationships, it’s best to take a step back and reflect. Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect, emotional support, and shared responsibility.

If you can recognize these red flags early on, you’ll save yourself from the emotional rollercoaster that often comes with emotional unavailability or narcissistic behavior. Be mindful of how your date communicates their past, their views on responsibility in relationships, and their overall emotional maturity. Trust your instincts and remember, a healthy relationship begins with both partners being emotionally available and ready for mutual growth.