The question often arises from those trapped in abusive relationships—how can one live with an abuser without causing harm to themselves? Those already in such a relationship are often deeply attached to their tormentors, believing the uncomfortable emotions they are enduring are outweighed by the affection they feel for their abuser. This distorted perception is precisely what makes such relationships so damaging. The victim may understand the discomfort they are going through, but they prioritize their feelings toward the abuser, thinking they are justified or will somehow resolve over time.

In reality, this false belief that their suffering is just part of the relationship becomes dangerous. It forces the victim to consider cohabitation strategies that are aimed at minimizing the psychological damage, which ultimately serves the needs of the abuser more than the victim. The tyrant thrives on this confusion, as it makes the victim a compliant tool to reinforce their own emotional needs. But the victim doesn’t just risk being further manipulated—they are caught in a trap that can ultimately destroy their sense of self.

Why Do Victims Reject the Idea of Separation?

Many victims of abuse resist the idea of leaving because of various psychological factors. Some might complain or cover for the abuser, while others romanticize the union, pretending everything is fine, or downplaying the abuse as if it’s part of a normal relationship. But what happens when the decision to separate is finally confronted?

Interestingly, many victims are shocked to realize that their abuser, whom they had previously perceived as strong, commanding, and masculine, is actually insecure, weak, and deeply fearful of being seen as anything less than superior. This realization comes in two distinct forms of narcissism that feed into abusive behaviors.

The Two Types of Abusers

There are typically two types of narcissistic abusers. The first type believes in traditional masculinity, where aggression and the ability to use physical force are considered the ultimate indicators of strength. These abusers may participate in regular fights, exhibit dominance through violence, and rely on their capacity to intimidate others. Victims who are caught in such relationships often confuse this display of aggression for masculinity and mistakenly perceive their abuser as a strong, assertive man.

In reality, this kind of abuser often suffers from low intelligence and a lack of personal fulfillment. They feel insecure and have not achieved personal growth. They turn to the victim to elevate themselves because they have nowhere else to gain respect or status. The victim becomes the punching bag for their frustrations, even though they may have initially been idealized during the early, infatuation-driven phase of the relationship.

The second type of narcissist abuser may appear soft, non-conflictual, and even friendly in public, but once alone with their victim, their true nature emerges. These abusers typically target vulnerable women to assert their power and dominance in private, often issuing harsh commands or resorting to subtle forms of emotional abuse. They feel the need to be admired and controlled but are too afraid to confront other men who might challenge their self-image.

Both of these types share a fundamental insecurity about their own worth and rely on the victim to validate them. The victim’s submission and compliance feed into the abuser’s sense of importance, helping them maintain a facade of control and strength. This is where the victim’s mistake lies: they continue to see their abuser as a masculine, strong figure when in fact they are deeply insecure and afraid of losing their power.

The Abuser's Need for Control and Self-Validation

In an abusive relationship, both the abuser and the victim are weak. The abuser needs the victim to maintain their fragile sense of self-worth. They are dependent on the emotional responses of the victim to reaffirm their own value. This is why self-sufficient individuals, particularly men with strong self-esteem, are not attracted to weak or dependent partners. Self-assured people do not need a relationship where their worth is validated by another’s suffering.

For victims, particularly those with low self-esteem or unresolved emotional wounds, it is difficult to sustain a healthy relationship with someone who does not offer them the emotional security they crave. Many victims enter relationships with unrealistic expectations, seeking partners who can “save” them from their fears or provide the emotional reassurance they have lacked in the past. For example, women who grew up without fathers may be drawn to men who promise protection and security. However, the reality is that these men often serve as emotional crutches rather than actual sources of stability.

The Cycle of Dependency and Abuse

When the victim is emotionally or financially dependent on the abuser, or if they have a distorted view of relationships, they may struggle to break free. Emotional dependency, combined with false beliefs about relationships and self-worth, keeps them stuck in a damaging cycle. Often, these victims are taught from childhood to accept abuse or to see conflict as a natural part of relationships. Women who grew up in homes with abusive dynamics may find themselves subconsciously seeking similar relationships because they mistakenly believe that love is synonymous with control or aggression.

This pattern of dependency is reinforced when the victim receives attention or affection from the abuser, but only on the abuser’s terms. Any attempt at self-sufficiency or asserting independence is met with emotional or physical punishment. Over time, the victim becomes so emotionally drained that they stop fighting for their own needs, focusing instead on maintaining the abuser’s approval.

Overcoming the Abusive Relationship: A Psychological Perspective

The key to escaping an abusive relationship lies in addressing both the lack of resources and the distorted beliefs that keep the victim trapped. The first obstacle is often emotional and financial dependence, where the victim feels they cannot survive outside the relationship. The second issue involves deeply ingrained beliefs about love, self-worth, and relationships.

Psychologists work to help victims reframe their beliefs and strengthen their sense of self-worth. A victim must begin to value their own identity outside of the abusive relationship. They need to see themselves as worthy of love and respect, not as someone who exists to fulfill the abuser’s needs.

The most difficult part of this process is confronting the realization that the abuser will never change. No amount of emotional submission or sacrifice will heal the relationship. The abuser’s need for power and control is intrinsic, and without a significant shift in their behavior, they will continue to demand submission. No compromise will work unless the abuser stops seeing the victim as a tool for emotional self-validation.

The Path to Healing and Self-Realization

The victim’s healing journey begins with acknowledging the abusive dynamics in the relationship and setting firm boundaries. This involves asserting their own needs and refusing to tolerate any form of abuse. The victim must learn to trust their instincts and recognize that emotional dependence is not love. Therapy and counseling can provide the support and guidance needed to break free from the cycle of abuse and rebuild a healthier sense of self.

Once the victim begins to see their own worth, they will understand that true love does not involve submission or self-sacrifice for the sake of another's ego. True love is mutual, based on respect, equality, and support, not control and manipulation.

Conclusion: Breaking Free from the Tyrant

Living with an abuser without harming oneself is an impossible feat. The victim must first recognize that the abuser’s behavior is not a reflection of their love but a manipulation of power. Until both partners face their issues—particularly the narcissist’s need for validation—the relationship cannot be salvaged. The victim’s strength lies in recognizing their worth and breaking free from the emotional control of the abuser. This is the first step toward healing and creating a life where love is built on respect, not manipulation.