Submarining is a term in relationship psychology that refers to the unexpected return of an ex-partner after a long period of silence—just when you’ve finally moved on and forgotten about them. The name itself is inspired by the way submarines operate: they can go deep underwater for a while, then suddenly surface, often when least expected.

In relationships, this behavior is often a form of emotional manipulation, and it usually follows another unhealthy pattern known as ghosting. Ghosting happens when someone abruptly disappears without explanation. In submarining, the ex-partner resurfaces, often with no warning, causing confusion and emotional turmoil for the person on the receiving end.

Why Do People Engage in Submarining?

There are several reasons why an ex might suddenly pop back into your life, but one thing is clear: healthy relationships do not end in this way. In a healthy relationship, when two people decide to part ways, the decision is mutual and made with clear communication and respect for each other’s boundaries. However, submarining tends to happen when one partner is emotionally dependent or unable to accept the end of the relationship.

One common reason for submarining is that one person, after feeling frustrated or rejected, disappears to create emotional distance. This is often an attempt to make the other partner feel that they have lost something valuable, hoping to trigger feelings of regret and a desire for reconciliation. For example, a man may shower a woman with attention, gifts, and affection, but if he feels that he isn’t getting the response he wants, he may disappear. After some time, when he realizes that she hasn’t tried to reconnect, he might reappear to “test” whether she’s still interested.

The Cycle of Submarining: Emotional Manipulation at Its Worst

Submarining often follows a cycle of emotional manipulation. The person who disappeared will often reappear with the intention of reigniting the emotional dependence they once had over the other person. They may feel that they’re entitled to be adored or needed, and will use this tactic to reclaim that control.

This behavior is especially harmful because it plays on the emotional vulnerability of the other person. In many cases, the one who resurfaces is doing so out of selfish reasons, such as wanting to feel important again, seeking validation, or simply getting something from the relationship without giving anything back. When this happens, the partner left behind feels caught in an emotional cycle, constantly trying to prove themselves worthy of attention or love.

The Role of Emotional Dependency

A major factor behind submarining is emotional dependency. Partners with anxious attachment styles may not be able to feel whole or complete without their partner's attention, and they often go to great lengths to maintain that connection, even if it's unhealthy.

For example, an anxious person may interpret every action of their partner—whether it's taking time for themselves or engaging in other activities—as a sign that the relationship is falling apart. They may resort to manipulative tactics to regain their partner's attention, believing that their self-worth depends entirely on the partner’s approval.

On the other hand, a person with a more avoidant attachment style may find it difficult to emotionally invest in a relationship and may withdraw or disappear when things get too close. When they realize they still have some emotional hold over the other person, they may resurface to see if they can re-establish control or simply fill a temporary emotional void.

What to Do If You Find Yourself the Victim of Submarining

If you’re the one being submarined, it’s important to recognize the emotional manipulation at play. While it’s natural to feel hurt, confused, or even excited when an ex returns, these emotions should be taken with caution.

The first step in protecting yourself from submarining is to establish strong emotional boundaries. Understand that someone who is emotionally unavailable or manipulative is not going to contribute to a healthy, fulfilling relationship. Reassure yourself that you deserve a relationship where both parties are committed and open.

If you feel tempted to entertain the resurfacing ex, ask yourself whether you are willing to invest your energy into someone who left you without closure in the first place. Often, these relationships are founded on emotional dependency rather than mutual respect and love. Ask yourself if you’re ready to repeat the cycle or if it’s time to move forward and find someone who is emotionally available and trustworthy.

Can Submarining Lead to a Healthy Relationship?

In most cases, submarining is not a good foundation for a healthy, long-term relationship. It’s a manipulation tactic that undermines trust and creates a cycle of emotional highs and lows that can leave you feeling emotionally drained. Even if both parties decide to reconnect, there is often too much damage done to build a healthy and stable bond.

Instead of allowing yourself to be caught in the whirlpool of emotional manipulation, focus on cultivating relationships with people who respect your emotional needs and boundaries. Remember, a relationship should be based on trust, respect, and mutual investment—not on playing emotional games.

Conclusion: Breaking the Cycle

Submarining is an emotional rollercoaster that can leave you feeling vulnerable, confused, and stuck in a loop of unhealthy emotional dependence. If you’re stuck in this cycle, take a step back and evaluate your feelings. Are you being manipulated, or is this a healthy reconnection? Protect your emotional well-being by setting clear boundaries, focusing on your personal growth, and prioritizing your happiness. Ultimately, true love is not about chasing someone who pulls away, but about building a relationship where both partners feel valued and emotionally secure.