The need to be needed is an important aspect of human psychology. It reflects the deep desire to find value and meaning in one's actions and existence, and to receive acknowledgment and validation from others. Simply put, it is our attempt to receive an evaluation of ourselves from the larger world around us. This need typically manifests through conforming to social norms, fulfilling others' expectations, and constantly seeking feedback. Many people feel fulfilled by receiving approval, praise, and reassurance that they matter to others.

Understanding the Basic Need to Belong

Being needed is a fundamental human need. At its core, it is about belonging to a group and receiving acceptance from that group. Personally, it's the feeling of being valued by at least one other person, giving our actions meaning. When we feel needed, our life doesn’t seem meaningless, and our actions gain purpose.

However, destructive behavior begins when the feeling of being valued diminishes, especially if a significant person in our life, such as a partner, stops showing us how much we are needed. When this sense of value diminishes, individuals may engage in manipulative behaviors to reclaim their perceived importance, often creating conflict within relationships.

The Psychology of Neediness

In psychological terms, neediness can be understood as an emotional dependence on another person. It’s the belief that without another person’s validation, one cannot function emotionally. This emotional dependency is driven by the fear of rejection and the fear of being left alone. Essentially, if someone needs us, we believe they won’t abandon us, thus protecting us from the fear of being alone.

When a partner shows attention, care, and support, they fulfill many of the emotional needs of the one who is emotionally dependent. However, the problem arises when this neediness becomes one-sided. If one partner is solely focused on extracting validation and emotional support without reciprocating, it leads to an imbalance. This is where emotional manipulation can begin.

Historical and Cultural Context: The Evolution of Neediness

In the Soviet Union, women faced a particular societal challenge—the scarcity of men. Many women lived without a stable partner, and this lack of male presence was depicted in cultural works such as films and songs. Women would sometimes form two families or have extramarital affairs because of the scarcity of men. In such an environment, the need to feel needed often became an essential aspect of survival. This historical context illustrates how societal circumstances can influence and even amplify the need to be needed, especially in situations of emotional scarcity.

Fast forward to today, and the situation has changed dramatically. Statistically, there are more women than men in the population, especially in older age groups. However, the need to be needed has shifted. While women once faced emotional scarcity due to societal demographics, men today are also experiencing this need, as many struggle to find meaningful connections. This demonstrates that the need to be needed is not exclusively tied to gender but is a broader human experience influenced by various social and personal factors.

The Root Cause: Emotional Scarcity

The need to be needed, at its core, arises from a lack of attention, care, and support. It is a response to emotional scarcity, a deep inner void that people try to fill through external validation. When this need is not met, individuals often go to great lengths to find someone or something to fulfill it. In some cases, this leads to unhealthy emotional behaviors, like manipulation or excessive dependence on others.

In some cases, the need to be needed can influence major life decisions, such as having children. While the desire to nurture and love is typically the primary motivation for parenthood, for some, the need for a dependent relationship can be a contributing factor. It's crucial to recognize when this dynamic might be present, as it can lead to unhealthy parent-child relationships.

The Consequences of Emotional Dependence

When emotional dependence is placed on a child, it can create a harmful dynamic. The child becomes a source of validation for the parent’s emotional needs, rather than a recipient of the parent’s love and care. As the child grows, they may attempt to establish their independence, which can feel threatening to the parent who relies on the child for emotional fulfillment. This can manifest in overprotective or controlling behaviors, hindering the child's development of autonomy.

This emotional dependence can lead to an overprotective, controlling relationship where the parent tries to keep the child close, even into adulthood. This dynamic can result in adults who have trouble functioning independently, relying on their parents for validation and support well into their later years. Consequently, they may struggle to form healthy relationships outside the family unit.

Breaking the Cycle: Developing Self-Sufficiency and Healthy Relationships

The first step in overcoming the need to be needed is learning to value oneself. Self-worth should not come solely from external validation, but from within. Engaging in activities that promote self-care, such as exercising, pursuing personal interests, and cultivating professional skills, can foster self-sufficiency. This helps individuals become less reliant on others for validation and more confident in their own abilities.

However, self-sufficiency alone is not enough. To fully meet our emotional needs, we must also cultivate healthy, reciprocal relationships with others. This means building partnerships based on mutual respect, trust, and emotional support. In these relationships, love and care are given freely, not out of obligation or need, but because both individuals genuinely value each other. It’s important to recognize that the need to be needed should not be fulfilled by one single person, such as a child or a partner. Healthy emotional validation comes from a variety of sources: friends, family, colleagues, and even self-reflection. This ensures that emotional dependence does not become too concentrated on one individual, which could create unhealthy dynamics.

Children should not be used as a source of emotional fulfillment for parents. Instead, they should be supported and loved for who they are, as individuals with their own needs and desires. Similarly, adults should not rely on their children, partners, or others to fulfill their emotional needs entirely.

Conclusion: Fostering Healthy Emotional Dynamics

The need to be needed is a natural part of human psychology. However, it can lead to unhealthy behaviors when it becomes an obsession or is directed at the wrong sources. To break the cycle of emotional dependence, it’s important to learn to value oneself, cultivate self-sufficiency, and build healthy relationships based on mutual respect and love. By doing so, individuals can meet their emotional needs in a balanced and sustainable way, fostering better mental health and more fulfilling connections with others.