In today's world, the phrase “being yourself” is often misunderstood. People tend to think it means being different from others or defying societal expectations. However, the reality is more complex. When individuals act in a way that deviates from the norm, their psyche is often under stress. This stress is caused not only by societal pressure but also by feelings of fear, shame, and guilt that emerge when personal desires clash with external expectations.

The Source of Resistance: Internal Conflict and External Norms

Human actions are driven by internal desires but are often filtered through societal norms. These norms, largely shaped by cultural, moral, and ethical standards, determine what is considered acceptable behavior. When a person’s actions align with these norms, there is no internal resistance. However, when a person deviates from the norm—for instance, a woman choosing not to marry or have children—the psyche experiences conflict. The individual is faced with both internal desires and external pressure, which can lead to anxiety, doubt, and a sense of shame.

This conflict has been extensively explored in psychology. One theory, known as the “crab bucket theory,” explains this human tendency. John Rojek, a psychologist, observed crabs in a bucket—whenever one tried to escape, the others would pull it back. This phenomenon, known as "crab mentality," is a metaphor for how society acts when someone tries to break free from societal expectations. Those around them may discourage, criticize, or shame them in an attempt to bring them back into the fold.

How the Psyche Reacts to Being Yourself

The internal conflict between personal desires and societal expectations often triggers self-regulation within the psyche. When someone steps out of line, whether it’s rejecting traditional roles or acting independently, their psyche feels threatened. For people with low self-esteem, this external pressure feels even stronger. They rely heavily on external validation and struggle to establish strong personal boundaries. The fear of being judged or rejected can become overwhelming, leading them to suppress their true feelings and desires.

People with adequate self-esteem are better able to balance their own needs and societal expectations. They recognize when their actions align with their desires and when they are simply conforming to external pressures. For them, the opinions of others do not hold as much weight as their own feelings. However, those with inflated self-esteem may disregard social norms altogether, prioritizing their own desires over the needs and boundaries of others.

The Fear of Rejection: The Root of the Struggle

At the core of this struggle is the fear of rejection. Our psyche perceives social isolation as a threat, a survival mechanism rooted in evolutionary history. In ancient times, being ostracized from the group often meant death, so the fear of rejection became deeply ingrained. However, in modern society, the consequences of rejection are no longer as dire, yet the psyche still reacts as if they are.

For people with low self-esteem, the fear of being rejected is particularly intense. They often base their self-worth on the approval of others and fear that stepping outside of societal expectations will lead to abandonment. As a result, their actions are often driven by the desire to fit in, even if it means suppressing their true selves.

Breaking Free from the Crab Bucket: Reclaiming Personal Boundaries

The first step to overcoming this conflict is to understand the role of self-esteem. When an individual has adequate self-esteem, they can act in ways that align with their desires without fear of rejection. They are aware of their own needs and boundaries and are not easily swayed by the opinions of others. This is essential for building healthy relationships and creating a fulfilling life.

The key is to learn to identify when your actions are being influenced by external pressures rather than your own desires. If your actions do not violate the law or the personal boundaries of others, you have the right to act freely. The opinions of others should serve as background noise, not as a primary influence on your decisions.

For those with low self-esteem, it’s important to build a stronger sense of self-worth. This involves recognizing and acknowledging your own desires and feelings, independent of societal expectations. By focusing on your own well-being and respecting your personal boundaries, you can break free from the cycle of conforming to others' views.

Conclusion: The Path to Authenticity and Self-Respect

The struggle between being yourself and conforming to social norms is an ongoing challenge for many individuals. Society’s pressure to conform can be overwhelming, but it is essential to recognize that your personal desires and boundaries are valid. By developing a healthy sense of self-esteem, you can learn to navigate the expectations of society while staying true to yourself. Remember, the opinions of others should not define your actions—your own needs and feelings should always come first.