In my work as a psychologist, I frequently encounter couples where husbands not only cheat on their wives but attempt to justify their behavior by offering a variety of rationalizations. These men often try to convince their wives that cheating is not a big deal and, in some cases, even assert that it is their right to do so. They argue that infidelity doesn’t threaten the family, and that their wives should continue to love them, take care of their children, and remain silent about the issue. These justifications can be difficult to navigate, and it’s important to examine both the arguments made by these husbands and the psychological realities at play.

The Common Justifications for Infidelity

Husbands who cheat often present several reasons for their actions. These justifications are based on beliefs that may seem logical to them but are flawed when viewed from a broader perspective.

1. “Men are naturally polygamous.”

One of the most common justifications is that men are biologically wired to have multiple partners. Some men argue that this is part of their nature, pointing to animal behavior or evolutionary theory as evidence. They often claim, “It’s just in my genes; I can’t help it.”

However, this argument is not based on a complete understanding of biology. In fact, many species of animals exhibit behaviors where both males and females may engage in relationships with multiple partners. For instance, female chimpanzees, while often involved with a dominant male, may also seek out mating opportunities with lower-ranking males. Therefore, the idea that men are inherently more polygamous than women is flawed and overly simplistic.

2. “You knew who I was when we started our relationship.”

Another argument some men make is that their wives were aware of their past relationships and sexual history before marriage, and thus accepted it as part of the deal. They claim that since their wives knew what to expect, their complaints now are invalid.

This reasoning often overlooks the fact that both partners enter a marriage with their own expectations and understandings of commitment. Just as the husband knew about the wife’s past, the wife may feel entitled to the same standard of respect and exclusivity. Arguing that marriage automatically implies acceptance of continued infidelity is an attempt to justify selfish behavior without considering the feelings of the partner.

3. “I can do what I want with my money.”

Some men also argue that since they are the primary earners, they have the right to act as they wish, including cheating. The logic is: “I work hard to provide for this family, and I deserve to do whatever makes me happy, including seeing other women.”

This argument disregards the principle of mutual respect and equality in a relationship. If a wife were to adopt the same logic and pursue her own affairs whenever her husband was less financially successful, it would challenge the entire premise of the marriage. Financial status should not give one partner the right to undermine the other.

4. “I can’t resist temptation.”

Some men claim they are morally weak and simply cannot resist the advances of other women. In this case, they shift the blame onto the women who seduce them, arguing, “It’s their fault for tempting me.”

This claim sets up a harmful double standard. If a woman were to behave similarly, claiming she couldn’t resist the attention of another man, the husband would likely view her actions as unacceptable. It’s important to recognize that infidelity, whether initiated by the husband or wife, is a choice and a violation of trust, not an unavoidable reaction to temptation.

5. “Mistresses are necessary for my social status.”

Some men defend their infidelity by claiming that having mistresses is a necessary part of their social and professional life. They argue that having multiple partners enhances their social standing and financial success. "Without my affairs, we wouldn't have the connections that allow me to secure important deals or achieve the success we enjoy," they might say.

While this rationale may be valid in certain circles, it essentially places material success above personal integrity and the well-being of the family. A wife could just as easily use this logic to justify having her own lovers in order to climb the social ladder. The problem is that this view treats relationships as transactional rather than emotional, turning human connection into a commodity for self-advancement.

Psychological Insights: Why These Justifications Fail

From a psychological standpoint, these justifications are often rooted in a lack of empathy and a distorted view of relationships. The following psychological factors are crucial in understanding why a husband may believe he has the right to cheat:

Cognitive Dissonance: This occurs when an individual holds contradictory beliefs or behaviors, leading to feelings of discomfort. To resolve this discomfort, the person may rationalize their actions (e.g., “It’s just part of being a man” or “You knew what you were getting into”). This allows them to continue their behavior without confronting the moral or emotional consequences.

Lack of Emotional Intimacy: Many men who cheat may not feel emotionally connected to their wives. They might seek validation and intimacy elsewhere because they feel emotionally unfulfilled, but they are unable or unwilling to communicate these needs openly with their spouse.

Sexual Objectification: The belief that men are entitled to sexual variety often stems from viewing women as objects for personal gratification rather than equals in a committed relationship. This objectification can make it easier to justify infidelity and disregard the emotional harm it causes.

The Impact on the Wife

The wife, in this situation, faces a tremendous psychological burden. She may feel betrayed, confused, and unsure of how to navigate her marriage. The message that “cheating is normal” can undermine her self-esteem and her sense of self-worth. It may lead her to question whether she is worthy of respect or if her feelings even matter.

To protect herself emotionally, it’s important for the wife to understand that infidelity is not a reflection of her inadequacy. Cheating is a breach of trust, and the responsibility for that breach lies solely with the person who engages in it. It is crucial for both partners to communicate openly and honestly about their expectations and needs in the relationship.

What Can Be Done?

If a wife finds herself in a marriage where infidelity is ongoing and justified by her husband, it is essential to set clear boundaries. She must decide whether she is willing to accept such behavior and, if not, take steps to protect her own emotional well-being. Seeking therapy, both individually and as a couple, can help address the underlying issues in the relationship and provide tools for healthier communication.

Ultimately, no one deserves to feel disrespected or unloved in a relationship. If a partner is unable or unwilling to respect the boundaries of marriage, it may be necessary to reconsider the relationship entirely. Trust and respect are fundamental, and when these are violated repeatedly, the foundation of the marriage is often too damaged to repair.

References:

• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Three Rivers Press.
• Glass, S. P. (2003). Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity. New York: Free Press.
• Perel, E. (2006). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. New York: HarperCollins.
• Lerner, H. (1989). The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships. New York: HarperCollins.
• Shapiro, D. (2019). Infidelity: A Practitioner's Guide to Working with Couples in Crisis. New York: Routledge.