When you consider inviting an abusive partner to participate in joint psychotherapy, you might feel that it's a mature step toward change. Yet, the reality is far more complicated. In many cases, asking your partner to join therapy may initially seem like a reasonable attempt to improve the relationship. However, the dynamics at play in abusive relationships tend to complicate even the most well-intentioned plans.

Understanding the Dynamics of Abusive Relationships in Therapy

Abusive individuals often have an ingrained need to maintain control, and suggesting joint therapy can be perceived by them as a challenge to their self-image. In many cases, the very idea that they might have personal issues is seen as an insult. Instead of engaging honestly in the process, the abusive partner may react with anger or outright hostility. They might insist they are flawless, implying that if there is a problem, it must lie with you. This defensive stance not only puts you in a difficult position but also creates a situation where your valid concerns are dismissed as overreactions or even as signs of personal weakness. In psychological terms, this is a classic example of projection and resistance, where the abuser deflects attention from their own behaviors.

The Typical Reactions You Might Encounter

When the subject of joint therapy arises, the abusive partner is likely to respond with aggression or manipulation. The idea of seeking help is often twisted into a personal attack. They may accuse you of creating drama or even suggest that your need for professional help is a mark of instability. Such responses are part of a well-practiced strategy designed to maintain power and control. Instead of acknowledging any issues, the partner may subtly or overtly shift the focus onto your behavior, thereby invalidating your experiences and reinforcing the status quo. This reaction is not only harmful emotionally but also undermines the very purpose of therapeutic intervention.

How Manipulation Enters the Therapy Room

Even if the abuser agrees to attend sessions with you, it is important to recognize that their participation may not stem from a genuine desire to change. Often, the decision to join therapy is a tactical move aimed at temporarily easing your resistance or placating you so that the abuser can continue exerting control. In some cases, the abuser might carefully monitor the discussions and then use the insights from therapy against you later. They might echo or distort the suggestions offered by the therapist to further their manipulative agenda. This can lead to a situation where, rather than receiving the support and balanced perspective you need, you end up with additional tools for your partner to manipulate your emotions and decisions.

The Hidden Dangers of Superficial Compliance

There is also a significant risk if your partner's engagement in therapy is only skin-deep. An abuser may attend sessions for a short period, only to drop out after a few meetings, claiming that they have "fixed" themselves. This superficial compliance can be extremely misleading. Not only does it give the appearance of progress, but it also provides the abuser with a false sense of legitimacy. They might later boast about their brief stint in therapy to impress others, all while continuing the same abusive patterns. Moreover, if the therapist is inexperienced or unaware of the nuances of abuse dynamics, they might inadvertently side with the abuser, further skewing the process against you.

The Possibility – and Limits – of Real Change

On rare occasions, an abusive partner might truly commit to long-term psychotherapy and begin to address the root causes of their behavior. However, real change in such cases is a slow and arduous process. It often requires years of dedicated work, and even then, the underlying sadistic or manipulative tendencies may not fully disappear. It is essential for you to remain vigilant. Even if you see initial signs of progress, trust must be rebuilt gradually, and your own safety and well-being should always be the priority. The progress of an abuser in therapy is not only difficult to measure but is also subject to frequent setbacks, which can leave you feeling even more isolated or confused.

Why Individual Therapy Might Be the Best Option

Given the complex dynamics involved, many experts advise that those in abusive relationships consider individual psychotherapy rather than joint sessions. In solo therapy, you have a safe space to process your experiences without the risk of your partner using the session to manipulate or control the narrative. Individual therapy can help you develop stronger boundaries, recognize the signs of manipulation, and build a support network independent of the abuser's influence. This approach allows you to focus on your own healing and recovery while learning strategies to manage the emotional and psychological impact of the abuse. In many cases, personal empowerment and clarity come more readily from a process that is solely dedicated to your needs.

Moving Forward with Caution and Self-Care

It is important to remember that the decision to engage in any form of therapy must be made with your own well-being in mind. Joint therapy with an abusive partner is fraught with risks and can potentially lead to further emotional harm. If you choose to pursue this path, ensure that you have a robust support system and access to experienced professionals who are well-versed in the dynamics of abuse. Prioritize your emotional safety above all, and be prepared for setbacks. Ultimately, therapy should be a tool for empowerment and healing, not a mechanism for maintaining an unhealthy dynamic.

Final Thoughts on Joint Psychotherapy in Abusive Relationships

While the idea of joint psychotherapy may initially seem like a step toward mutual understanding and change, the reality is that abusive relationships often involve deeply ingrained patterns of control and manipulation that are not easily undone by a few sessions. The abuser may use the process to reinforce their control, leaving you more vulnerable. True change, if it happens at all, requires a long-term commitment from the abuser—something that is rarely seen without a genuine and sustained desire to change. For many, focusing on individual therapy is the safer, more effective approach to reclaiming personal strength and achieving lasting recovery.

References

Kovalenko, O. “Psychology of Stress and Violence in Personal Relationships” (2015, pp. 45–60)
(This publication reveals the main psychological mechanisms underlying stress and violence and offers modern approaches to therapy in complex family situations.)

Leshchenko, V. “Therapy for Violence: Paths to Healing” (2017, pp. 75–85)
(This book analyzes the difficulties of therapeutic work with aggressive partners and provides recommendations for creating a safe therapeutic environment.)

Sydorenko, M. “Psychotherapy in Family Violence” (2018, pp. 90–105)
(The author examines methods of working with victims of violence and explores the possibilities for correcting the behavioral patterns of aggressive partners.)

Herman, J. L. Trauma and Recovery (1992, pp. 120–135)
(A classic work that describes the stages of overcoming traumatic experiences in the context of violent relationships.)

Walker, L. The Battered Woman's Syndrome (1979, pp. 50–65)
(This publication explores the psychological consequences of prolonged violence and the specifics of therapeutic work with victims.)