Many people struggle to understand why their relationships don't work out the way they expect. They search for solutions as if relationships were mechanical—thinking that if they just had the right key, everything would fall into place. But relationships are not machines, and people are not objects that come with fixed properties. The way someone behaves in a relationship is not random or illogical. Every action has an underlying motivation, even if it doesn't align with what you hoped for.

Understanding this can change the way you approach relationships. Instead of seeing a partner's behavior as unpredictable or unfair, you start to recognize patterns that make complete sense when viewed from their perspective. This shift in understanding allows for more meaningful and fulfilling connections, free from the frustration of trying to "fix" someone or unlock a hidden formula for love.

The Mistake of Treating People Like Objects

From an early age, we learn to associate objects with fixed properties. Water is wet, fire is hot, glass is fragile. We rely on these properties to interact with the world safely and efficiently. Unfortunately, many people apply this same logic to relationships, assuming that people also have unchanging traits that dictate how they behave.

For example, someone might believe:

• "I'm a loyal person, so my partner should automatically value and respect me."
• "I've always been attractive, so I deserve constant attention."
• "I make more money than my partner, so they should appreciate what I provide."

These assumptions turn people into static objects rather than individuals with their own evolving desires, motivations, and emotions. When a relationship doesn't go as expected, instead of adjusting their approach, many people search for a missing "key"—some magic solution that will unlock the other person's affection, interest, or commitment. This is why some people jump from one relationship to another, thinking that if they just find the right person or say the right thing, everything will fall into place. But people don't work that way. Unlike objects, people have agency. They make choices based on their own emotions, needs, and priorities—not based on what someone else expects of them.

Motivation Drives Behavior, Not Fixed Traits

A common misunderstanding in relationships is the idea that a person's behavior is defined by a set of inherent traits. In reality, behavior is driven by motivation. People do what they want to do based on what feels right for them at a given moment.

For instance, if someone enjoys being around you, they will naturally make time for you. If they don't, they won't. It's not because they are "cold" or "indifferent" by nature—it's because, in that moment, their motivation is focused elsewhere. This concept is at the heart of attraction and connection. Relationships thrive when both partners find joy and fulfillment in being together. If one person is forcing the other to stay or constantly trying to convince them to invest in the relationship, it is already an indication that the natural motivation is not there.

Why People Leave Relationships That Feel Heavy

One of the biggest mistakes people make in relationships is assuming that pressure leads to commitment. They believe that if they just emphasize how much effort they've put in, the other person will finally recognize their worth. This often takes the form of:

• Repeatedly reminding a partner of everything they have done for them
• Bringing up past sacrifices as a reason the partner should stay
• Creating guilt around the idea of leaving

However, this approach rarely works. Pressure doesn't create love—it suffocates it. A person stays in a relationship not because they feel obligated but because they want to. The more someone feels pressured or controlled, the more they instinctively want to escape. This is why relationships often deteriorate when one partner starts placing excessive demands on the other, believing that controlling the situation will secure their happiness.

The Illusion of "Earning" Love

A dangerous misconception in relationships is the belief that love can be "earned" through effort. This leads people to think that if they just try harder, they will eventually be rewarded with affection and commitment. But love doesn't function like a transaction. A person's feelings aren't determined by how much effort another person has put in.

This is why people sometimes spend months or years trying to "win" someone over—only to watch that same person quickly fall in love with someone else with little effort. It's not about how much someone does for another person; it's about whether there is genuine mutual interest and motivation. A relationship should never feel like a never-ending audition.

Recognizing When You're Assigning Properties Instead of Seeing Reality

When someone is emotionally invested in a person who doesn't reciprocate their feelings, they often rationalize the situation by assigning properties to the other person instead of recognizing the simple truth: the person just isn't interested.

For example:

• "He's just emotionally unavailable right now."
• "She's too focused on her career, but once things settle, she'll want to be with me."
• "He's scared of commitment, but deep down, he loves me."

These explanations serve as self-protection. It's easier to believe that the other person has an external reason for not investing in the relationship rather than accepting that they are simply not interested. However, this mindset keeps people trapped in relationships where they are not valued, wasting time on someone who is unlikely to change.

How to Stop Misinterpreting Relationship Behavior

Instead of trying to decode hidden meanings or find the perfect "key" to making a relationship work, the best approach is to pay attention to the actions of the other person. What they do consistently tells you everything you need to know.

• If someone wants to spend time with you, they will.
• If they care about you, their actions will reflect that care.
• If they are genuinely interested, you won't have to convince them to stay.

It's important to let go of the belief that you can shape someone's emotions through effort. The healthiest relationships happen when both people naturally want to be there—not when one person is constantly chasing the other, looking for a way to "fix" the situation.

Conclusion: Relationships Are About Mutual Choice, Not Strategy

Understanding relationship dynamics means recognizing that people act based on their own motivations, not because of some predefined personality trait or because someone else has "earned" their affection. Trying to force a connection through pressure, guilt, or excessive effort often backfires. Instead, the best approach is to focus on relationships that feel natural, where both partners are equally invested and motivated to be together.

When you stop viewing relationships as something to be "figured out" and start seeing them as mutual experiences where both people actively choose each other, everything becomes clearer. Instead of wasting time trying to change someone's mind, you can focus on building relationships where love, respect, and connection flow naturally.

References

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Volume I. (Explains how early relationships impact adult connections and why motivation plays a key role in bonding. Relevant pages: 30-55.)

Gottman, J. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. (Provides research-based insights into relationship dynamics and effective communication. Relevant pages: 50-85.)

Perel, E. (2006). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. (Discusses the balance between desire, autonomy, and emotional connection in relationships. Relevant pages: 100-140.)

Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The Need to Belong: Desire for Interpersonal Attachments as a Fundamental Human Motivation. (Explores