Many people who escape harmful relationships with an abusive partner manage to break off contact and feel a small measure of relief. Yet time can play tricks on memory. As soon as the immediate distress fades, there is a risk of forgetting how painful that relationship was and focusing on the rare moments of affection. The body’s chemical stress levels start to balance out, but the healing process is still fragile, and old traumatic patterns can creep back in before true recovery takes root.

Why the Mind Romanticizes the Past

However, the victim has not yet truly overcome the deepest emotional hurdles. There is a particularly risky period where all the suffering caused by the abuser seems to grow distant, and positive memories move into the foreground. These distorted recollections can feel unusually vivid. Sometimes they appear intense because the abuser’s dramatic behavior felt like a thrilling show. In other cases, the victim’s prolonged exposure to stress (and elevated cortisol) makes normal politeness seem like love. There is also a lack of awareness that genuine kindness should be consistent and should never come at the cost of self-worth. When the victim cannot distinguish basic human decency from deeper love, it becomes easier to mistake the abuser’s temporary niceness for a grand romantic gesture.

And then there is the familiar risk: the victim may try to earn the abuser’s approval all over again by surrendering rights and needs. The abuser often feels justified in acting even more brazenly because being temporarily abandoned gives him an excuse to stop pretending to care. He might consider himself the real victim now, and the person returning to him is expected to sacrifice even more. The victim, still caught in a cycle of fear and longing, can feel compelled to meet these degrading demands.

Facing the Sacrifices Made for the Illusion of “Love”

What are you willing to give up just to feel close to an abusive partner again? Sometimes it involves drastic steps like relocating to another place with no guarantees, relinquishing legal or financial security, or even tolerating the abuser’s involvement with someone else. These choices might include abandoning meaningful educational or career opportunities. Such actions can seem unthinkable from a rational perspective, but within the cycle of abuse, they appear like the only path to regain that fleeting sense of connection.

When someone is ready to forfeit necessities or core values to return to a toxic relationship, we start seeing the intensity of co-dependency. In psychology, this dependency can resemble addiction. The abuser provides occasional emotional highs that hook the victim, creating a destructive pattern. The victim begins to see these bursts of attention as more valuable than basic safety or self-respect.

Recognizing the Inner Conflict

It would be a mistake to assume the victim is always oblivious. Many individuals in abusive relationships are fully aware that they’re making choices against their own interests. Some describe feeling panic and dread, but the pull to reconnect overrides their fears. Others feel as if they’re on autopilot, compelled by internal urges they can’t control. There are also those who find a twisted sense of being alive when the abuser interacts with them, however harshly. The alternative—sinking into an unfamiliar, lonely depression—seems even more terrifying.

In psychological terms, this situation can be similar to a severe drug addiction. The victim is chasing that next surge of emotion or relief from abandonment, even if it leads to total self-destruction. Family and friends, if they have not turned away, often feel helpless watching this downward spiral. The victim either reaches a point of complete collapse or begins to recognize that professional intervention is the only way out.

When Rock Bottom Becomes a Turning Point

So what can a person do after leaving an abuser? One option is to let the compulsion keep dragging them down. Another is to admit they can’t manage this alone. A third option sometimes appears in extreme situations, when the victim experiences a catastrophic low—a feeling of hitting rock bottom. For some, this happens after enduring physical harm. For others, it might be a moment when all resources are gone and there is no safety net left. In that instant, a victim might realize they need to protect themselves from further harm or risk losing everything.

Yet nobody should rely on the hope that reaching a complete low point will magically trigger self-preservation. If the victim has already lost most of their resources or sense of hope, they might surrender to the abuse even more. That final surrender could be driven by exhaustion rather than genuine choice.

Identifying When It’s Time to Seek Professional Help

If you notice a small internal voice telling you that you’re behaving irrationally, it’s worth trusting that alarm. An abusive bond can feel like prolonged intoxication. But if you are not hearing that voice—or you’re pushing it aside—pay attention to concrete signs. These might include repeated returns to the relationship after breaking it off, escalating depression or suicidal ideation, abandoning basic life necessities like a safe home or stable job, and severe mood swings between short-lived euphoria and overwhelming despair. If psychosomatic symptoms (physical ailments connected to stress) are also appearing, it’s a signal that this situation can no longer be handled alone.

Recognizing the problem is already a significant step. Even if you doubt your own judgment, acknowledging that your relationship is destructive allows you to consider reaching out for help. A professional therapist or counselor trained in treating interpersonal violence and co-dependency can offer strategies, emotional support, and a structured plan to escape this cycle.

Understanding the Root Issue of Self-Worth

At the core of these behaviors lies the fear of not being worthy of genuine love. Doubting your own value can make you settle for a distorted version of affection. Abusers often use manipulative tactics to deepen that sense of unworthiness. However, a mental health specialist can guide you to rebuild self-esteem. By uncovering the roots of your vulnerability, you can learn healthier ways of relating to others.

Returning to an abuser doesn’t require a grand excuse. You might do so simply because you fear being alone or because you cling to hope that something will change. But self-protection doesn’t need any special justification either. If you feel uneasy, drained, or demeaned in a relationship, that’s enough reason to walk away. It’s also enough reason to seek out people who treat you with care and respect.

Keys to Awareness and Moving Forward

Everything that’s happening may be part of a pattern fueled by uncertainty about your own value. That sense of worthlessness feeds your decision to stay in a painful connection. But there are ways to break out of this mindset. You deserve respect, safety, and the choice to leave any situation that causes distress. You also deserve relationships where people gladly take the initiative to meet you halfway.

It’s crucial to remember that even if you once thought you chose this relationship, you’re not obligated to endure ongoing harm. Yes, certain psychological factors led you to stay with the abuser, but those same dynamics can be reworked so you can reclaim control. No other person’s needs or demands are more important than your own fundamental well-being, especially when their behavior undermines your physical or emotional safety.

If you find it too hard to act on your own behalf right now, channel any remaining energy into what you care about outside of the abusive dynamic. It might be your children, your other family members, friends, or even your future goals. Acting for the sake of someone or something else can provide the momentum to seek professional guidance or build a plan to leave. Over time, you can shift that motivation inward and focus on helping yourself because you want a healthier life.

Before the abusive relationship, you were in a much stronger state. You might have carried some vulnerabilities, but the current crisis was sparked and worsened by the abuse. You have the right to remove any force that’s harming you. The abuser’s distorted portrayal of you has no bearing on who you really are. It’s a projection, not your identity. Deep inside, you may already sense that you are capable of more and deserve more.

There is also an undeniable reality that certain personal issues attracted you to this relationship in the first place. Admitting that doesn’t mean you are responsible for the abuse or that you should continue to endure it. It only means you have the power to address these issues and avoid repeating them in the future. If you allow yourself to see the abuser’s conduct as part of a well-known pattern in psychology called traumatic bonding or co-dependency, you can begin to separate your healthier self from the unhealthy behaviors that keep the cycle going. Realizing that many have faced this same struggle can be reassuring because it confirms that help is available and you don’t have to face this alone.

References

Beattie, M. (1987). Codependent No More (Explores the concept of codependency and offers tools for personal recovery).

Walker, L. E. (1979). The Battered Woman (Details the psychological effects of abuse and the cycle of violence).

Dutton, D. G. (2007). The Abusive Personality: Violence and Control in Intimate Relationships (Examines traits of abusers and the power dynamics in abusive relationships).

(All references discuss various aspects of abusive relationships, codependency, and recovery strategies. See indicated chapters for detailed insights: Beattie pp. 30-40, Walker pp. 45-60, Dutton pp. 72-85.)