Many people seek professional help to preserve their relationships, only to discover that the guidance they receive encourages them to walk away from marriage rather than repair it. Why does this happen when the original goal is often to heal rifts and strengthen bonds? The answer lies in the personal biases and projections that some so-called “psychologists” bring into their practice. Instead of focusing on effective strategies for conflict resolution, these individuals steer clients toward resentment and separation, reflecting their own unresolved issues and unexamined assumptions about love and commitment.

When Personal Projections Cloud Professional Judgment

One of the most common reasons a counselor might unintentionally or deliberately undermine a relationship is that they are projecting their own experiences onto the client. Projection occurs when someone attributes their personal feelings, fears, or unresolved conflicts to another person. In this case, a counselor who has endured a tumultuous partnership may assume that every client’s relationship mirrors that chaotic experience. Rather than seeing the client’s marriage as unique, such practitioners latch onto terms like “abuser,” “narcissist,” or “tyrant” without adequately exploring the complexity of the client’s situation.

This phenomenon is not restricted to any one gender or perspective. Some professionals encourage men to treat women with suspicion or to label them as incompatible for relationships based on superficial judgments. Others urge women to view men as perpetual threats, fueling narratives of oppression or torment. These sweeping generalizations turn therapy sessions into echo chambers for the therapist’s hidden resentments. Instead of offering tools for mutual understanding, the guidance becomes a campaign against the institution of marriage itself.

Unresolved Trauma Masquerading as Expertise

Another reason certain counselors may appear to undermine marriage is that they have not fully processed their own emotional traumas. Anyone can call themselves a “relationship expert” if they complete a brief training program or read some self-help materials. Lacking deeper therapeutic foundations, they rely on personal anecdotes and unhealed wounds to dictate the direction of the counseling process. This limited approach to psychology oversimplifies complex family dynamics, casting the therapist’s worldview as universal.

The risk is that clients arrive looking for real support and leave with only blame and bitterness toward their partners. Although a genuine therapist seeks to understand both individuals’ perspectives, the unprocessed experiences of an ill-prepared counselor can overshadow the client’s actual needs. This contributes to the negative portrayal of marriage as inherently flawed or oppressive rather than something that can be nurtured and repaired.

Marriage as a Valuable Resource

In healthy psychology, marriage is acknowledged as a resource that can provide emotional stability, shared growth, and a supportive environment. While not every marriage is destined to last, the default assumption should not be that the union is doomed or inherently detrimental. Competent therapists strive to identify each spouse’s needs, help them work through communication barriers, and encourage mutual respect. Rather than promoting escape routes or sowing distrust, ethical counseling involves guiding couples to become more aware of themselves and their partners, ultimately leading to balanced, equitable, and genuine connections.

Marriage becomes far more vulnerable when distorted by misguided advice that frames it as a battle for dominance or a trap from which one must break free. When treated responsibly, relationships can evolve into a strong foundation for personal development. Partners can learn to move past naive expectations, overcome conflict through constructive dialogue, and discover what it means to share space with another human being in a way that preserves self-respect and individual growth.

Distinguishing Support from Personal Validation

A competent therapist can empathize without being consumed by the client’s struggles. Empathy in itself is vital for establishing rapport, but ethical professionals also maintain boundaries to ensure objective judgment. When the line between empathy and personal involvement blurs, the therapist starts seeking validation for their own experiences through the client. This can manifest as consistent agreement with one spouse’s perspective, demonizing the other, or romanticizing extreme solutions like abrupt separation.

Real psychotherapy addresses underlying issues such as attachment styles, relationship patterns, and communication deficits. The therapist’s role is not to provide a one-sided account of who is at fault. Instead, the counselor offers a space for both individuals to explore what they are bringing into the relationship from their personal histories, how their coping mechanisms influence the dynamic, and which specific behaviors perpetuate conflicts. Therapy aims to reduce destructive patterns, not to exploit them for emotional drama.

Navigating Devaluation and Grandiosity

Some practitioners promote extreme labels—“toxic,” “evil,” “narcissistic”—as though these diagnoses are simple truths rather than complicated psychological constructs. This labeling process can be a reflection of the counselor’s own illusions of grandiosity, in which they position themselves as the ultimate authority. Such oversimplifications do not strengthen a marriage but can push a couple further apart by stirring negative emotions rather than fostering mutual understanding.

Moreover, this tendency to oversimplify often goes hand in hand with devaluation. If one partner is consistently cast in the role of villain, the other partner may feel righteous but also remains stuck. Instead of learning to communicate or negotiate boundaries, both partners are left with entrenched positions. This may stroke the counselor’s ego, as they become the “savior” in the client’s eyes. However, from a therapeutic standpoint, it cripples any chance at balanced resolution or ongoing growth.

The Harmful Cycle of “Rescuer” Counseling

Some disingenuous counselors slip into what could be described as a “rescuer” role. They perceive clients as helpless victims and themselves as indispensable heroes. While initially flattering to the client, this approach can sow deep dependency on the therapist. Genuine therapeutic work, by contrast, aims to empower clients so that they can eventually navigate challenges independently.

When the counselor frames a marriage as a perpetual battlefield—and positions themselves as the liberator—the client may receive ongoing attention and sympathy, but no skills to transform the relationship in a meaningful way. The ultimate outcome is often the dissolution of the relationship, leaving the client unprepared to form healthier bonds in the future.

True Goals of Effective Relationship Counseling

A professional therapist prioritizes outcomes that help couples resolve or at least clarify disagreements. Effective counseling is about developing deeper self-awareness, identifying communication pitfalls, and negotiating shared goals. Couples learn to recognize and dismantle harmful behaviors rather than feed into the cycle of blame. If a marriage ends, it should be a last resort after all genuine attempts at improvement have been pursued, rather than the first conclusion offered.

True counseling involves clarifying expectations, addressing individual insecurities, and reconciling differences through respectful dialogue. The purpose is to help both partners determine whether their marriage can be rebuilt on a healthier foundation. Clients who decide to separate do so from a place of self-knowledge, not from the manipulative influence of a counselor’s personal biases.

Protecting Your Relationship and Knowing Your Boundaries

If you feel uneasy about the advice you are getting or sense that the counselor is more focused on venting their personal experiences than listening to yours, it is a sign to reassess the situation. Protecting a marriage also means choosing a professional who respects the institution of family and sees its potential benefits. Family bonds, when they are equitable and free from severe harm, offer invaluable emotional resources.

Despite the array of voices denouncing marriage as outdated or inherently oppressive, many of these critiques come from individuals who have never learned to nurture a stable bond themselves. Recognizing the difference between valid professional guidance and unresolved personal resentments requires discernment. If a counselor encourages you to treat your spouse as an adversary rather than an equal, or if their advice consistently undermines cooperative growth, you may be witnessing their personal history overshadowing your present reality.

A Balanced Approach to Maintaining Healthy Relationships

In a balanced view, marriage is not about endless submission or manipulation. It is about mutual support, genuine care, and shared responsibilities. This perspective does not deny that people can make mistakes or that certain relationships should end due to persistent dysfunction. However, concluding that marriage itself is the problem oversimplifies the many reasons a couple might struggle.

Relationships thrive when both individuals are willing to invest in mutual respect and honesty. Good counseling aims to facilitate this process rather than fuel antagonism. Therapists who are committed to ethical practice strive to recognize and manage their own emotional baggage, ensuring they do not impose it on their clients. They understand that people seek help for clarity, not for further confusion or destructive advice.

References

Perls, F. (1969). Gestalt Therapy Verbatim (Emphasizes awareness and personal responsibility in relationships, highlighting how unfinished business can distort current dynamics; consult pages 95-114).

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment (Explores how early bonding patterns affect adult relationships and emotional security; refer to pages 50-70).

Kernberg, O. (1975). Borderline Conditions and Pathological Narcissism (Addresses the complexities of narcissistic traits and their impact on interpersonal relationships, offering insights into how oversimplified labeling can be harmful; see pages 89-112).

Beck, A. T. (1988). Love is Never Enough (Presents cognitive therapy techniques for couples, illustrating how distortions in thinking lead to conflict and how they can be resolved; key sections on pages 40-63).

Johnson, S. M. (2004). The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection (Demonstrates how couples can re-establish emotional bonds through structured interventions, focusing on pages 45-67).

Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and Family Therapy (Centers on systemic approaches to family relationships and the importance of seeing individuals within broader relational contexts; relevant discussions on pages 20-38).

By understanding how certain personal biases and inadequate training can lead some practitioners to undervalue marriage, individuals can make more informed decisions about seeking professional help. A genuinely supportive counselor recognizes the potential value of stable, respectful relationships and aims to nurture, rather than dismantle, the foundations of marriage. Healthy family bonds remain an essential resource for countless people, and the right therapeutic approach respects both the complexity and the promise of those connections.