Have you ever watched someone you care about, or perhaps even yourself, caught in a loop of longing? Year after year, the same yearning, the same pain, even after promising themselves it was over. It’s like watching someone try to climb out of a deep pit, only to have the slightest glimpse of the person they desire send them tumbling right back down.

Where does this relentless need come from? What is the invisible fuel that keeps this emotional fire burning? Everything needs sustenance to survive, and this kind of love, this all-consuming obsession, seems to defy all logic. I’ve seen it countless times: a man, seemingly free, declaring he’s finally moved on, breathing easy. Then, a notification pops up – a simple "like" on social media – and suddenly, he’s back to square one, his peace shattered.

I’ve often tried to explain how to break free from this cycle. There are clear steps, and they work, but only if the underlying fuel is cut off. It’s the same principle as dealing with any illusion – confronting the reality beneath the surface.

The cornerstone of this work is brutal honesty with yourself. And the uncomfortable truth about this kind of love? It thrives on the illusion of give-and-take, on the phantom echo of reciprocity. Without that perceived return, that imagined connection, your unrequited feelings would have likely faded long ago, the object of your affection a distant memory.

This is why those difficult conversations, those deep dives into the dynamics of a relationship, can be so jarringly effective. When someone truly understands how the other person perceives the relationship – the stark contrast between their own desires and the other’s reality – it often leads to a painful but necessary awakening.

I know my approach is often seen as harsh. I receive comments accusing me of cruelty, even hatred. But consider this: how does the person you’re fixated on view your actions? What do they see in your persistent hopes and illusions? How do they interpret your attempts to connect?

You crave their understanding, but they don’t understand. In fact, from your perspective, they might even seem cruel for not giving you what you so desperately want. All you desire is a little more love, a sign of affection, and I’m here to show you why they simply can’t provide it. I’m stripping away the fantasies, and that’s why it feels so brutal to many.

But it’s not cruelty; it’s reality. Someone who doesn’t feel love for you won’t suddenly conjure it up, not even as a gesture, because there’s no internal reward for them. What keeps you tethered is this perceived reciprocity. But where does that reciprocity come from when it’s absent in the present?

The answer, the painful truth, is that it’s the illusion of reciprocity that fuels this fire. It’s the unwavering belief in a love that will eventually be returned that keeps you trapped. When those illusions are finally shattered, the pain is intense, a profound sadness mixed with the despair of unmet desires.

But simultaneously, the imagined "give-and-take" vanishes. Love addiction loses its nourishment, withers, and eventually detaches. I’ve seen it time and again. Men consumed by longing for their wives, who, upon discovering clear signs of infidelity, suddenly find that intense pull weakening.

Before the revelation, the question was always, “How can I reach her? Why isn’t she putting in the effort I am?” But once the reality of a third person emerges, the illusions of mutual effort and reciprocal love crumble, and the man begins his slow climb out of the emotional quicksand.

The most challenging cases I encounter are those where the person clings desperately to the illusion of reciprocity, even in the face of undeniable evidence. Objective facts clash head-on with deeply ingrained fantasies. This resistance often manifests as anger and rejection.

In conversation, you can see it in the way someone tries to deflect, to avoid the uncomfortable truth. They’ll want to change the subject, talk about anything else, or fiercely defend the illusion of love, desperately trying to counteract the growing sense of unease. These are often the most difficult situations to navigate.

A seemingly innocuous text message months after a breakup is interpreted as a sign of constant thinking about them. A practical question about retrieving belongings is seen as manipulation or a power play. A photo with someone new is perceived as a deliberate attempt to provoke a reaction. And the endless, agonizing questions: “She posted a picture holding someone’s hand. Was that meant for me?”

Even within a relationship, this inability to accept the absence or loss of love is evident. If someone could truly accept they are not loved, or no longer loved, they would experience sadness, yes, but they would eventually shift their focus. The purpose of these illusions within a relationship is to create a false sense of complete mutual love, a temporary shield against the anxiety of disconnection.

As a defense mechanism against stress, these illusions might offer fleeting comfort, but their long-term destructive impact invariably outweighs any perceived benefit. Initially, a person might genuinely seem loving, but their own unresolved issues prevent them from fully opening up. Sometimes, it might even appear as though they simply don’t know how to express their feelings, leading to the belief that this reserved behavior is just “their way” of loving.

Many believe that love addiction strikes randomly, like an unexpected arrow. But the truth is, you nurtured it. You fed it with your unwavering belief in a reality that didn’t exist. If you had confronted the illusions, you would have starved the addiction. Instead, you nourished a hungry monster, and now, deprived of its imagined sustenance, it’s beginning to consume you.

That’s why I will continue to be direct, perhaps even seemingly harsh. Because to allow you to remain in this self-deception would be a disservice, a betrayal of your potential for genuine connection and peace. It’s time to dismantle the illusions, no matter how painful the process might be.

References:

• Fisher, H. E., Aron, A., Mashek, D., Li, H., & Brown, L. L. (2003). Defining the brain systems of romantic love. Archives of General Psychiatry, 60(11), 1173–1184.

  This study uses neuroimaging to identify specific brain regions associated with romantic love, suggesting a biological basis for the intense focus and motivation seen in romantic attraction, which can become problematic in the context of unrequited love or love addiction. The findings highlight the powerful, almost drive-like nature of these feelings. (See pages 1173-1175 for the introduction and conceptualization of romantic love as a primary motivation system).

• Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss, Vol. 1: Attachment. Attachment and Loss. New York: Basic Books.

  Bowlby's attachment theory posits that early childhood experiences shape our patterns of relating to others throughout life. Insecure attachment styles can lead to anxiety and preoccupation in adult romantic relationships, potentially contributing to the development of what is described as "love addiction" in the article, where the fear of abandonment and the need for reassurance become dominant. (Relevant concepts are discussed throughout the book, particularly in the chapters on the nature and function of attachment behavior).