Have you ever stopped to consider what truly makes people act? Beyond force or coercion, there's essentially only one fundamental way to genuinely inspire someone to do something: you must make them want to do it. Think about it. While threats – a metaphorical revolver, the fear of losing a job, or harsh discipline – might compel temporary compliance, these crude methods inevitably breed resentment and negative consequences. The real key, as famously explored by Dale Carnegie in his timeless work on human relations, lies elsewhere.

The Unspoken Hunger: A Craving for Importance

What is it that people fundamentally desire? Influential thinkers like Sigmund Freud pointed to deep motives, including the desire to be great. Philosopher John Dewey termed it perhaps even more accurately: the deepest urge in human nature is the "desire to be significant." Dale Carnegie built upon these ideas, identifying this as a cornerstone principle for effective interaction. This phrase is crucial – the desire to feel important, valued, and significant.

We all have basic needs: health, food, sleep, financial security, hope for the future, companionship, and the well-being of our loved ones. Most of these are, to varying degrees, often satisfied in modern life. But there's one craving, almost as profound as the need for food or sleep, that frequently goes unfulfilled: this deep, persistent desire to be significant. William James called it an "irresistible desire to be appreciated." Not just a wish or a want, but an irresistible desire. It's a fundamental hunger of the human spirit, and the person who learns to satisfy this hunger in others, as Carnegie taught, holds remarkable influence.

This drive for significance is a key differentiator between humans and animals. Consider prize-winning animals at a fair – they have no interest in the ribbons themselves. But the owner? Those ribbons are symbols, fulfilling a need to feel important. Without this intrinsic human drive for significance, civilization itself might never have progressed. It spurred figures like Lincoln, driven from humble beginnings, to achieve greatness. It fueled the creative fires of renowned authors like Dickens to pen timeless novels and inspired architects like Sir Christopher Wren to design magnificent structures. It motivates people to accumulate wealth far beyond their needs or build homes larger than necessary. It even influences our choices in fashion, cars, and how we talk about our children. Sadly, this same desire, when warped, can lure individuals into seeking notoriety through crime, craving the headline, however infamous. How you seek your feeling of importance defines your character. John D. Rockefeller found it in large-scale philanthropy, while John Dillinger sought it through becoming "Public Enemy Number One," tragically proud of his infamy. The method defines the person.

History overflows with examples, many highlighted by Carnegie. George Washington desired a respectful title. Columbus sought recognition as "Admiral of the Ocean." Catherine the Great demanded her imperial title on correspondence. Even figures like Shakespeare sought validation through acquiring a family coat of arms. Sometimes, people even feign illness, like Mrs. McKinley, who reportedly demanded President McKinley's constant attention, deriving her sense of importance from his devotion, even interrupting state affairs. Some may unconsciously seek refuge in illness or even severe mental distress, finding in delusion the significance denied them by reality. As one psychiatric hospital's chief surgeon noted, while the exact causes of many mental breakdowns remain elusive, some patients tragically find in their altered reality a sense of importance unattainable before. He spoke of a patient whose unhappy marriage led to a break from reality where she imagined herself divorced and remarried into aristocracy, addressed as "Lady Smith," finding solace and significance in her fantasy world. If the hunger for significance is so potent that people will retreat from reality to find it, imagine the positive miracles we can achieve by genuinely affirming people's importance in their everyday lives.

The Destructive Power of Criticism vs. The Energy of Encouragement

Charles Schwab, one of the first American business executives to earn an immense salary (over a million dollars annually when $50 a week was considered good), attributed his success not primarily to his knowledge of steel production – he admitted others knew more – but to his ability to handle people, a skill Dale Carnegie greatly admired and emphasized. His secret? "I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess," Schwab stated, "and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement."

He continued with words worth engraving: "There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise." This principle – avoid criticism, give honest appreciation – is a central tenet of Carnegie's philosophy.

This contrasts sharply with common practice. How often do people unleash criticism when displeased, yet remain silent when things go well? As an old saying laments, doing wrong brings constant reminders, while doing right goes unnoticed. Schwab emphasized that even the most accomplished individuals work better and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than they do under criticism. Andrew Carnegie echoed this, praising associates publicly and privately, even crafting an epitaph celebrating his ability to work with people smarter than himself. John D. Rockefeller, when a partner, Edward T. Bedford, lost the company a significant sum in a South American venture, didn't criticize. Knowing Bedford had done his best, Rockefeller praised him for salvaging 60% of the invested capital, remarking, "That's splendid. We don't always do as well as that."

Think of the farmer's wife who, after 20 years of cooking without a word of appreciation, reportedly served her hardworking men hay for dinner. When they reacted with outrage, she retorted, "Why, how did I know you'd notice? I've been cooking for you for twenty years, and in all that time, I never heard a word to let me know you weren't eating hay!" Studies on divorce have cited lack of appreciation as a primary reason wives leave, and it's likely true for husbands too. Familiarity can breed neglect of expressing gratitude. One man, asked by his wife (as part of a self-improvement group) to list six things he wished she'd change, wisely chose a different path. Instead of listing faults, he sent her six roses with a note: "I can't think of six things I would like to change about you. I love you the way you are." The result was profound appreciation and a strengthened connection. His considerate approach was even noted by others in her group.

The Magic Touch of Genuine Praise

Florenz Ziegfeld, the legendary Broadway producer, built his fame on his knack for "glorifying" performers. He could take seemingly ordinary individuals and make them appear extraordinary on stage, largely through praise, respect, and making them feel beautiful and valued. He backed this up with fair treatment, significantly raising salaries and offering small gestures of appreciation like telegrams and flowers.

Just as we wouldn't starve someone of food for days, we shouldn't starve them of the heartfelt appreciation they crave just as deeply. Actor Alfred Lunt once said while starring in "Reunion in Vienna," "There is nothing I need so much as nourishment for my self-esteem." We nourish bodies, but how often do we nourish self-esteem? Kind words of praise resonate for years, like music.

Sincerity is Key: Appreciation vs. Flattery

Some might dismiss this as mere flattery. "I tried that," they might say, "it doesn't work." And they are right, if they mean insincere flattery. Flattery is shallow, counterfeit, and often transparent. Dale Carnegie strongly differentiated between the two. Like counterfeit money, it can cause trouble. The difference is simple but crucial: Appreciation is sincere; flattery is insincere. Appreciation comes from the heart; flattery comes from the teeth out. Appreciation is selfless; flattery is selfish. Appreciation is universally admired; flattery is universally condemned.

Mexican General Álvaro Obregón wisely advised, "Don't be afraid of enemies who attack you. Be afraid of the friends who flatter you." This isn't about flattery; it's about adopting a new way of life grounded in genuine recognition of others' worth. King George V had a principle displayed: "Teach me neither to proffer nor receive cheap praise." Flattery is cheap praise – telling people precisely what they think about themselves. As Ralph Waldo Emerson noted, what you are speaks louder than what you say. If our interactions are built only on flattery, we haven't truly mastered human relations.

Making Appreciation a Way of Life

Instead of spending the vast majority of our time (perhaps 95%, when not focused on a specific problem) thinking about ourselves, let's try shifting that focus. Let's make an effort to recognize the good qualities in others. When we do this, we won't need to resort to cheap, false flattery that rings hollow.

We often miss daily opportunities. Do we praise our child for a good report card or genuine effort? Do we encourage them when they build something or help out? Nothing delights children more than genuine parental interest and approval. Do we compliment someone on a well-organized event? Do we thank the tired shop assistant for being courteous? Every speaker knows the feeling of pouring their heart out only to receive silence. This need for acknowledgment applies equally, if not more so, in offices, factories, stores, and especially within our families and friendships.

Remember, everyone we interact with is human, and humans crave appreciation. It's a universal need. Try scattering sparks of genuine gratitude as you go through life. You might be surprised how they ignite small flames of friendship that can become guiding lights. One manager, struggling with a poorly performing sanitation worker, found that criticism and pressure failed. But noticing an instance where the worker did a small part of the job well, she offered sincere praise in front of others. Gradually, the worker's performance improved dramatically, fueled by recognition and approval. Honest appreciation achieved what criticism and insults could not.

There's wisdom in the old saying: "I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again." Emerson also said, "Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him." If that was true for Emerson, how much more so for us? Let's stop focusing solely on our own achievements and desires. Let's actively look for the good in others. Then, let's put aside flattery and give honest, sincere appreciation, just as Dale Carnegie advocated. Speak praise from the heart, lavishly and genuinely. People will treasure those words, perhaps remembering and repeating them long after you've forgotten you spoke them.

References:

• Carnegie, Dale. (1981). How to Win Friends and Influence People. Pocket Books (Simon & Schuster).
  This book is the foundational source for the principles discussed in the article. Specifically, Part One, Chapter 2 ("The Big Secret of Dealing with People") directly addresses the desire to be important, and principles throughout the book explore the core themes of understanding human motivation through the lens of appreciation and avoiding criticism. The examples of Lincoln, Schwab, Rockefeller, Ziegfeld, etc., are drawn from Carnegie's work. (See primarily pp. 27-49 in this edition for the core arguments presented).
• Maslow, Abraham H. (1970). Motivation and Personality (2nd ed.). Harper & Row.
  Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs provides a broader psychological framework that supports the article's central theme. The "Esteem needs" (level four in his pyramid) include the desire for achievement, confidence, independence, recognition, attention, importance, and appreciation. The article's focus on the "desire to be significant" aligns directly with these concepts validated within psychological theory. (Relevant concepts are discussed broadly, particularly in chapters related to the hierarchy of needs, e.g., Chapter 4).