Humans are deeply social creatures. We thrive on connection, and the thought of complete isolation can feel unnatural, even frightening. History itself shows our understanding of this – practices like solitary confinement or exile were used because people knew how potent the fear of being cut off from others truly is. If left utterly alone for too long, our minds can suffer, potentially leading to severe distress or a breakdown.

But today, the fear often isn't just about total isolation. Many of us feel a profound unease, even dread, at the prospect of simply being alone with ourselves for extended periods. Why does solitude feel so threatening to some?

Facing Ourselves: The Core of the Fear

Thinkers have suggested that, deep down, the fear of loneliness might actually be a fear of facing ourselves. In the bustle of daily life – work, errands, social interactions – we present a certain version of ourselves to the world. This 'public face' keeps us occupied, pushing uncomfortable thoughts or darker emotions into the background.

However, when the presence of others fades, and we are left in stillness, what lies beneath the surface can emerge. As the philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche observed, in solitude, whatever we carry within us tends to grow – including the "beast" we might prefer to ignore. He cautioned that for many, prolonged solitude could be overwhelming, leading them to become lost within themselves.

The Escape Route: Losing Ourselves in Others

For those who find the weight of solitude unbearable, the common reaction is to seek constant company, to cling to others to avoid that feeling of being alone. Nietzsche described this as a kind of "bad love for yourself" turning loneliness into a prison. We might go to our neighbor not out of genuine connection, but because we are seeking ourselves, or trying to lose ourselves, in them.

While this offers temporary relief, relying on others to escape ourselves comes at a cost. We risk becoming a lesser version of who we could be. Psychologist Abraham Maslow pointed out that realizing our full potential involves striving for higher needs like truth, beauty, and goodness. As author Ernest Becker noted, these deeper needs cannot be fully satisfied by other people alone.

Trying to fulfill these profound needs solely through intimate relationships can lead to putting our partners on an unrealistic pedestal. This creates a dependency where our self-worth and identity hinge entirely on them. If a partner becomes your 'god,' your sense of self becomes merely a reflection of them, leading to a loss of your own identity, much like an overly compliant child losing themselves within their family. This kind of dependence, whether we play the role of 'god' or 'slave,' inevitably breeds resentment.

Developing the Capacity for Solitude

To avoid falling into these dependent relationship patterns, it's vital to cultivate what the 20th-century British psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott termed the "capacity for solitude." When the fear of being alone drives our actions, we might become overly agreeable, constantly afraid of abandonment. This leads to developing what Winnicott called a "false self"—a personality shaped not by our genuine feelings and needs, but by what we think others want us to be.

By learning to tolerate and even appreciate solitude, we can start to dismantle this false self and reconnect with our authentic feelings and desires – our "true self."

Beyond Relationships: Finding Meaning Within

Many today might unconsciously believe that personal growth only happens through relationships and that connection with others is the only real source of meaning in life. Psychoanalyst John Bowlby, known for his work on attachment, emphasized the centrality of intimate bonds throughout life.

However, focusing exclusively on relationships overlooks another crucial path to meaning and development: engaging deeply in solitary, creative, or focused work. As psychiatrist Anthony Storr argued, in the process of giving form to creative work, we simultaneously give form and order to ourselves. Maturation and integration can happen within the individual. People engaged in focused, solitary pursuits can build their identity and sense of self through interaction with their work, not just through interaction with other people. This capacity for self-realization through solitary effort might be why writer Fyodor Dostoevsky suggested solitude is as vital for our inner life as food is for the body.

Alone, free from the immediate demands of others, we have the space to forge our character and strengthen our independence. This inner strength then allows us to engage in relationships more authentically, without losing ourselves in them.

The Necessary Challenge

Of course, we shouldn't ignore the potential difficulties of solitude that thinkers like Nietzsche and Goethe warned about ("There is nothing more dangerous than loneliness," Goethe wrote). There's a risk of becoming overwhelmed by our inner world if we are unprepared.

However, the key seems to be voluntary solitude. The benefits arise when we consciously choose to face the quiet, including the uncomfortable parts within ourselves. It's through this willing confrontation with our inner landscape that we truly gain from solitude. It’s a difficult path, as poet Rainer Maria Rilke suggested, but often, the most challenging paths lead to the greatest growth. Embracing the difficulty of being alone might be the very thing that allows us to gain power over ourselves and find a rare kind of confidence.

References:

• Storr, A. (1988). Solitude: A Return to the Self. Free Press.
  This book explores the positive aspects of solitude, arguing against the prevailing view that relationships are the only source of happiness and fulfillment. Storr discusses how solitude is essential for creativity, self-discovery, and consolidating identity, drawing on examples from the lives of various creative individuals. It directly supports the article's points about finding meaning and maturation through solitary pursuits. (Relevant chapters include the Introduction, Chapter 3 on temperament, Chapter 5 on imagination, and Chapter 9 on the capacity to be alone).
• Winnicott, D. W. (1958). The Capacity to be Alone. The International Journal of Psycho-Analysis, 39, 416-420. (Also collected in Winnicott, D. W. (1965). The Maturational Processes and the Facilitating Environment: Studies in the Theory of Emotional Development. International Universities Press).
  This seminal paper introduces the concept of the "capacity to be alone." Winnicott explains that this ability develops paradoxically from early experiences of being alone in the presence of a reliable caregiver. He links this capacity to emotional maturity, creativity, and the development of a stable "true self" as opposed to a reactive "false self." This directly supports the article's discussion of Winnicott's ideas and the importance of developing this capacity to avoid dependency and discover authenticity. (The entire short paper is relevant, particularly pages 416-418).