The very idea of the family is shifting around the world. Fewer people seem to want to get married, hesitating before the immense responsibility and the potential for pain. It’s easy to look at this trend and feel a sense of loss for what we are leaving behind. But we must remember that an ending is not just a conclusion; it is also the start of something new. An end is not a failure, but a transition.

The Erosion of a Foundation

When a relationship breaks down, meaning is lost. The first and most profound loss is respect. This is often followed by the fading of that state of infatuation—that particular trance where we see our partner as no one else does. Love is, in a way, a trance. We see the good, the potential, the best version of a person. Research has even shown that when an elderly couple looks at each other, they can still perceive the young person they fell in love with. We see what we want to see. The loss of respect and trust is the primary cause that breaks this spell.

Why Relationships End

Beyond the initial loss of respect, several other factors commonly lead to the dissolution of a partnership. These include:

• Infidelity: When trust is broken so profoundly, forgiveness can feel impossible. It is a testament to the strength of a relationship when a couple can navigate this betrayal and preserve their family.
• The Interference of Relatives: A man receives foundational life programs—goals, values, behaviors—from his family of origin. In a healthy partnership, he must break his primary "synchronization" with his mother to form a new one with his wife. However, if he continues to complain to his mother about his wife or remains emotionally entangled with a previous partner, he is still synchronized with the past. His new partner has no space to connect. The same is true for a woman. If her needs for care and security are still being met primarily by her father, she remains synchronized with him, and her partner has no valence to connect to. Never let relatives, no matter how close, manipulate your relationship. It is your destiny, and yours alone.
• Destructive Habits: Alcoholism, drug use, or gambling addiction can destroy a person's character. The common response is to evaluate and criticize: "You are bad." A more constructive approach is to speak only from your own perspective: "My dear, you can do as you wish, but know that when you do this, it hurts me." If a person loves you, they will try to change. If they know their behavior causes you pain and do nothing, it is anything but love.
• Imbalance of Power: When one spouse claims unlimited leadership, suppresses the other's self-esteem, and denies them a voice, the relationship becomes abusive. One person dictates the other's life program, trampling their interests, motives, and values. Similarly, an uneven distribution of responsibilities—where one has only rights and the other only duties—is no longer sustainable. People today seek equal partnerships.

The Question of the Children

Often, couples stay together "for the sake of the children." This is a profound mistake. Children feel everything. The greatest gift we can give our children is to be happy ourselves. When they witness a home devoid of love and respect, we set a terrible example. It is far better for them to have two good examples in two separate, happy homes than one bad one under a single roof.

A New Model for a New Era

We must understand that the institution of the family is undergoing a seismic shift. Children born after 2005 may live well beyond 100 years. Their lives will not follow our script. There will be no single "profession." They may have seven or more such life cycles, and for each of these cycles, it is very likely that they will start a new family. What was once considered a disaster—a divorce—is now simply the end of a certain stage. The strongest unions are not built on shared interests or a common past. They are built on a common future. We must unite around common goals, meanings, and values. Only the pursuit of a common destination forces you to adapt to each other, to become true partners and allies in the same boat.

The main secret to a lasting marriage begins with respect and friendship. If you add chemistry and love to that foundation, you create a beautiful, effective, and mutually nourishing partnership. A relationship should expand and strengthen each person. But if it doesn't work out, try to part with dignity. Remember your own behavior and learn from it. This is not a failure. It is not the end of your life; it is the beginning of a new one.