We often hear about the importance of instilling self-respect in our children, and for a good reason. But what does it truly mean to respect oneself? It isn't found in our appearance, the words we proclaim, or the titles we hold. True self-respect is a silent language spoken through our actions. A person is ultimately defined by what they do, not by their intentions or their declarations.

I think of a story about a brilliant, self-taught musician named Arthur. He was invited to play with a prestigious band of conservatory-trained professionals. At first, they treated him with a certain contempt; after all, he had no formal credentials, no piece of paper to validate his talent. A rehearsal was called before the big concert. For two hours, they played. Afterward, as Arthur stepped away to prepare for the show, the band's leader, a man of immense experience, nervously lit a cigarette, took a drag, and put it out. He looked at his bandmates and said, "That man told us more about music in two hours than we learned in our entire lives."

A person is defined by their actions. We respect others when their deeds align with what we hold valuable and important. It follows, then, that self-respect is born when our own actions align with our own deepest values.

The Value of Time

The first mark of a self-respecting individual is that they value their own time and the time of others. They do not allow themselves to waste it on idleness or inefficiency. Such a person strives not to be late, understanding that another's time is a precious, non-renewable resource. They live with purpose and do not surrender to laziness, because they respect the potential held within each moment.

Respect for Well-being: Yours and Theirs

A person who respects themselves does not neglect their own comfort and health, nor do they disregard the comfort and health of those around them. They wouldn't smoke in the presence of non-smokers without asking or do anything that might knowingly harm another's well-being. They value their own comfort, but this value extends outward to others.

This principle applies to modern courtesies as well. Such a person would never allow their phone to ring loudly during a meeting or a public event. They wouldn't answer a call while in a direct conversation with someone who has made the effort to be physically present. The person on the phone has only dialed a few digits; the person before you has given you their time and attention. Honoring that is a fundamental act of respect.

The Freedom to Be Yourself

A self-respecting person cherishes their freedom and the freedom of others. Sigmund Freud offered a powerful definition of freedom: it is the ability to want what you truly want. An individual with self-respect listens to their inner voice and cultivates their own point of view, rather than simply echoing the opinions of others. They trust their intuition and understand their own needs.

Crucially, they extend this same right to others. This is the foundation of a democratic mindset: understanding that you have a right to your perspective, and others have an equal right to theirs, even if they differ. This attitude is often formed in childhood, in an environment where a child’s opinion is heard and respected. It is how a child learns to say "please" and "thank you" as a natural extension of the respect they are shown.

Beyond Envy and a "Conscious Necessity"

A person who respects themselves does not envy. They cannot allow themselves to covet what belongs to another, and this is a genuine internal state, not just an outward performance. This connects to another definition of freedom, one formulated within Marxist philosophy: freedom is a conscious necessity.

If I internalize a restriction—if I convince myself on a fundamental level that something is not permissible or not right for me—I no longer feel the stress of being forbidden. I have made the decision myself. When a person freely chooses their own limitations based on their principles, they feel completely at ease, even when external rules are in place.

The Strength in Admitting Mistakes

The ability to admit one's own mistakes is a hallmark of self-respect. A key manifestation of this is a healthy sense of self-irony, which is an essential trait of any intelligent person. They are at peace with criticism and are always their own harshest critic. This puts them in a position of strength; by critiquing themselves first, they disarm potential critics.

Imagine a lecturer who comes on stage and says, "You know, I'm a bit nervous and might stumble over my words. I'm not the most experienced speaker." The audience is immediately empathetic. Now, imagine a lecturer who comes out and declares, "I am the best speaker in this country." The audience will spend the entire time looking for flaws. A single phrase, rooted in humility or arrogance, completely changes how we are perceived.

Embracing Change and Uncertainty

One of the most important qualities for our modern world is the ability to face uncertainty with grace. A self-respecting person is not afraid of change. They possess a calm, balanced, and grounded nature. They are so internally stable that the chaos of the outside world cannot easily shake them or throw them off balance. This steadiness inspires trust and makes them a source of strength for others in turbulent times. A self-respecting individual focuses on changing themselves, not on trying to change other people, accepting them as they are.

The Quiet Confidence of Self-Sufficiency

Finally, a person with self-respect will never assert themselves at the expense of others. A truly strong person does not need to use force or point out another's perceived weaknesses to feel superior. They are self-sufficient. They do not need to humiliate others to elevate themselves.

They are never afraid to be different and do not engage in the soul-crushing habit of comparing themselves to others. They know their own worth, and because of that, they can genuinely respect the worth of others and their right to be different. It is vital to learn to see the value in every person, for everyone has something that makes them worthy of respect.

And, of course, it all begins when you start living up to the standards you set for others. That is the true starting point of self-respect.

References

• Branden, N. (1994). The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. Bantam Books.

  This foundational work outlines the actionable practices required to build genuine self-esteem, which is intrinsically linked to self-respect. Branden argues that self-esteem is not a gift but a practice based on six pillars: the practice of living consciously, self-acceptance, self-responsibility, self-assertiveness, living purposefully, and personal integrity. These concepts directly support the article's core message that self-respect is defined by what one does (valuing time, taking responsibility for one's actions, living with purpose).

• Frankl, V. E. (1959). Man's Search for Meaning. Beacon Press.

  Frankl's work, born from his experiences in concentration camps, is a profound meditation on human freedom and the search for purpose. His central thesis is that even in the most dire circumstances, a person retains the freedom to choose their attitude and find meaning. This directly relates to the article's points on freedom as a "conscious necessity," the ability to remain stable in the face of uncertainty, and the idea that true self-respect comes from an internal locus of control, not external conditions.